The Unofficial Rules and Regulations of Portsmouth

Having lived in Portsmouth for about a month and a half now and following a pretty straight forward and repetitive routine, I've come to learn about certain themes, trends, patterns, whatever you want to call them, that seem to run strong throughout Portsmouth.While a commendable police department attempt to keep the law and order in this city to their best ability, it is the people of Portsmouth who play a large role in the up keeping of the, what i like to call, unofficial rules and regulations of Portsmouth living. I've put together a list of the particular important ones that need to be strictly followed on a day to day basis.

1. One must always wear ridiculously huge fake eye lashes - this particular physical trend gets its own mention because it's a must do. Some, I might say, look quite nice...if done properly and not accompanied by an entire stick of eyeliner and tube of mascara. With some of them I can't tell whether they are squinting or actually don't have eyeballs at all. Seriously, you could sweep the floor with some of those sets!

2. On a night out clubbing, one should always have big hair, a fake tan and a tight dress, oh and MASSIVE platform shoes...ones that you can't actually walk in but look good when standing and subtly holding on to something. But seriously, am I getting older or are the dresses getting shorter?

3. You must have an inability to not complain and just enjoy the sunshine should, God forbid, food take longer than fifteen minutes even though we're more or less at capacity in our bar/restaurant area. Never relax on a Saturday you must always be in a hurry to get somewhere else. Anywhere else than where you are. Run Run Run Portsmouth seniors! Oh and don't forget to leave your pouches of medication behind when you leave in a huff and never return for them. I seriously think we could start a pharmaceutical company as a side business with the amount of times it happens.

4. You must consume unlimited amounts of Red Bull every Wednesday and Friday (students only). The aim is to never sleep again...I swear some of them don't considering the state they turn up to Highlight in each week. The smell of it now makes me shudder, which is unfortunate considering I generally work on the VIP bar on Wednesday and Friday night and sell ONLY double vodka red bulls and jager bombs. Lucky me.

5. It's totally out of the question to line up or pay to get in anywhere in Portsmouth if you work at a surrounding bar/club/promotions company. Quote: "Ummmm, Did you line up and pay just then to get in to the Lyberry? Gutted! What a loooooser!" Thanks a lot!

6. You cannot be aged 24, unless you are a foreigner like me. The age 24 doesn't exist here. I haven't met one other person my age. I am not joking. Either they all stop at 22...which seems to be the case...or they jump to 27 and older. Are they all being kept in a cage somewhere? Or have I missed the memo on what you do when your 24, cause you obviously aren't at uni, working in a bar or in the navy, which are the areas where young people generally seem to be down here.

7. If a member of the opposite sex refuses to give over their phone number upon request, never fail to go to Plan B - "Well can I at least add you on Facebook?" Like one rejection wasn't enough, let's stick the knife in further and go for two!

8. If something goes wrong for someone, preferably your friend or housemate - i.e. they're called into work on their day off, lose something valuable, get sick etc...NEVER give them sympathy, rather make them feel so much better by simply saying: "GUTTED." Revelling in other's misery...that's what friendship is all about. Not to say it's not satisfying when you get your revenge and can say it right back to them five minutes later when they are the one who suddenly suffers from a bout of rough news or bad luck. We're all just as bad as each other. It's just the way it goes.

9. Always drop money in the toilets at bars and clubs...no more than 20p though...if it's over 20p you're going to have to fish it out...yes, I have seen this happen. Not cool. Stick to the popular copper coins of 1p and 2p...sometimes splash out with a 10p and then if you're feeling really generous...the 20p. Either they must all have money in their back pockets or they just want something pretty to look at when they enter the cubicle, but seriously every time I do toilet checks at work there's always money shining from the bottom of the toilets. It's weird.

10. Now I know I have commented already on the female population and their attire, so it only seems fair to have a look at the male dress sense as well. So jeans are a pretty mainstream thing among guys when they go out, but what I have noticed is that a lot of them obviously find it a bit difficult to deal with normal jeans that have a zipper and button due to the state in which they find themselves most nights of the week, so therefore have resorted to wearing jeans with elastic at the top. These kind of remind me of the huggies pull up nappy advertisments


              Now let me just make it clear that in no way am I suggesting any of these trends are right or wrong, they are simply observations. In the end they do make Portsmouth a very colourful and eventful place to live. I do enjoy each and every one of them, except maybe the complaining about food taking too long...that annoys me...all of us...a lot.

Tonight is going to be a particularly exceptional night working in Portsmouth, as we are hosting the annual 'Ladies Night', in which 150 drunk women scream and grab and male strippers going the full monty. The eyelashes, hair and outfits will be out of control, stay posted for a run down on the evening, no doubt there'll be plenty of stories!